...Until then...... I stare at this blank entry box and the need to fill it with words, any words, so imaginably upsets me sometimes that I just don't know what to do with myself. Sometimes this urge consumes me until I decide to fill it with drivel and regret. So...I will just do a point-form list of things I wish to discuss (but I don't want to adhere to any MLA-style grammatical guidelines): -- Whispering sweet nothings in my naked ear are just that: nothings. They could be the sweetest things you ever uttered and I'll never know it. So essentially you'd be whispering sweet nothings in your own ears. -- You know that expression "Same shit, different day?" Seems it's a guideline for my life. -- I love acronyms such as FUBAR. -- I love challenges, puzzles and experiments, especially those that highlight my English smarts. -- I'm bored right now. -- I think I have a hole in my new pair of socks. -- I don't know how to darn socks, sew, knit, or cook. I'm not especially girly girly. -- I am listening to Belinda Carlisle's "Mad About You," which I think is a dreamy song. -- I love singing along to songs whose lyrics I have memorized. -- It doesn't really bother me that I chose the word "whose" to accompany "songs" in the previous point. -- I can't sing well. I croak like a frog. But an ex-boyfriend once told me that I have the sexiest singing voice when I sing Faith Hill's "Breathe", or Soraya's "Stay Awhile." -- I've been waiting for an order from Amazon.ca for a few days now and I am starting to get itchy about it. -- I've only recently started feeling sexier. All throughout my teenage years I felt displaced. Now, almost approaching 30, I feel sexier than I ever have. Better late than never? -- I don't know why the above point came directly after saying I was itchy. -- I'm starting to get annoyed with the point form. I'll stop. Except... -- May/June marked 2 anniversaries. One happy, one sad. May 1995: Met my best friend when he was taking a mutual friend to a prom. Through 3-way conversations with this mutual friend he and I became closer. These 3-way conversations became 2-way when we left our mutual friend by the sidelines because she was a nasty person. Ten years later, through many fights, long bouts of huffy silent treatments, much love and love, we have stood by each other through thick and thin and he is my oldest, most dear friend. It is just unfortunate that he lives X-amount of hours away from me. He is one person who makes me feel loved and valued all in one. I never have to keep myself in check around him, or put on an act. I never have to impress him with wit, character, or appearance. He loves me, truly, for who I am and who I am not. I am a better, more well-rounded, well-adjusted person with him in my life. He is horrible at giving advice, but always knows just what crazy things to say in order for me to see the light and humour in each and every situation. He is slightly more immoral than I am which is funny because I corrupted him beyond belief. Oh the stories I could tell... but I won't. I believe in having more than one soulmate, and he is my platonic soulmate. Many good memories of him are tucked away in my brain and he knows which memories I mean. June 1995: I had just broken up with a boyfriend (who, I found out, killed himself a couple of years ago) and had met Ted through the aforementioned nasty friend. He paid attention to me, was very sweet and mild-mannered. He was tall (6'3") and big (295pounds), half Mexican-half Canadian, and I thought of him as a teddy bear and not because that was his name. He wooed me for a couple of weeks and eventually I decided it was time. He was my first. The first time we tried to have sex: we were watching "Dazed and Confused," lying together on a bed. He was hard, I was curious, it started happening, it hurt, he stopped. Then a few days later we decided to do it again, only this time all the way. It was almost the worst pain I had ever experienced in my life. A few weeks later, I had a fight with my mother and went to his house (which was no easy feat as he lived an hour of travelling away from me). I arrived on his doorstep crying and he brought me up to his room. I thought he was consoling me, but he had a different agenda. He raped me. It was the most horrible experience of my life. I won't go into details. I've only ever once gone into details and that was in a horrible poem that I have never really showed to anybody. It's 3 pages long and in stanzas of 4 lines. I'm okay now, and I have healed. Sometimes it bothers me, and it's under the surface, but I'm okay. It's been 10 years, after all, and I've managed. Hmm. Back to point form: Three screennames I have had: * Ugly Brown Splinter * my eyes Three things I hate about myself: * My butt. Three things that scare me: * Skunks, rocking chairs, ladders and step-stools, and uneven ground. Three of my everyday essentials: * Wallet Three things I am wearing right now: * Lacy Black Undies Three of my favorite bands/artists: * Norah Jones Three of my favorite songs at present: * "Colors" by Amos Lee Three new things I want to try in the next twelve months: * Fly by myself to some far away place * open communication Two truths and a lie: * I can manage money very well Three physical things about myself the opposite sex is interested in: * my smile Three things about myself the opposite sex hates: * My pessimism Three things I just can't do: * hurt animals * reading Three things I want to do real bad right now: * go to Florida Three careers you are considering: * Web-Designer Three places I want to go on vacation: * Paris Three kids names: * Julia Lynn Three things I want to do before I die: * Fall in love and have somebody in love with me
If you've made it this far then congratulations. I will say this: Expect major changes to occur soon.
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